Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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