You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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