her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
