State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Drunk is not a location!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
