Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
