I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The best revenge is premature balding
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I love you. Go after that dick
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