Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
