I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
