I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
