Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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