That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
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I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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