Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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