1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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