all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
