Im at strip club and am horny
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
