____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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