Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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