Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
