I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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