If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
