ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
