I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
