i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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