Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
