he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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