I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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