I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
