did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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