it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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