If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
