you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
