My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
