swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
