I'm going to jail i love you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
