she smelled like a LAN party
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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