OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
