They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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