he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
