hotel room ftw
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
