I wish my penis had an off switch
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
