Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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