i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
