I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
