I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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