Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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