I skipped work to stalk him.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
