alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
