And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
