I just threw up on my dentist
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
