Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
