Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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