I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
