Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
