come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
