Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
