How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
