Nicole vs. Life
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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