would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
