i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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