Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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