I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
