??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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